We had been down this pregnancy scares and emergency contraception road many times but we didn’t learn from our mistakes. A few weeks later, her period is late and we both panic. It evident that she was pregnant.
What were we going to do about it? The first and only solution was to have her procure an abortion. I was raised in a Christian home and abortion was not an option whether you liked it or not. I told her that we should keep the baby but deep down I wanted the abortion. I mean, how was I going to take care of this new life. With what money? Am I old enough to handle a baby and the mother who is older than me by a couple of years? What does this mean for my life? What will my parents say? What will my parent’s friends say about us? These questions ran through my mind over and over again.
But I did not want to voice this out and sound like the bad guy. I also didn’t want ther to put the blame on me if she later felt that she was pressured into having the abortion.
Being older for her meant that she had money and stability. She looked me in the eye and told me she would handle it. I tried to negate but she insisted. I eventually gave in but I felt that I had sold my right as a man to take the initiative to make decisions or show some form of leadership. So she had the abortion.
I, however, did not
learn from my mistakes, I did it again, always lying to myself that, “This
time I have learnt, I will not have sex again till I am married.”
Life did continue and we went about our lives as nothing happened. The occasional holding, playing or rocking of a baby would bring back the memories of what could have been had we given our child the chance to live. It has become a constant reminder of the sin that we committed. I still have not gotten past this abortion; it affects every part of me whether directly or indirectly:
- The thought that we gave up on life because I did not want to give up the occasional dates with friends to buy a pack of pampers.
- The idea that our life will stop and we would have to drop out of school or leave work to raise a child or the idea that a 20,000 shillings salary would not be enough to raise a child yet there are people with 3 kids and earn much less than that.
- We would not sacrifice our reputation and that of our families.
Well at that point we
didn’t see all this because we are engulfed in so many emotions and anxiety.
Does this really warrant taking life away of what would probably have been the
best this that happened to me/us? We are so caught up in our own selfish ways
that the abortion seemed like the only solution, thinking that life will come
to an end when we have not allowed ourselves to see the possibilities.
These are basically the questions that ran through my mind later on. It was especially more painful and ego-bruising for me as a man. I began to believe that I am not man enough at all. Why was I not able to say no to sex or at least unprotected sex? What was so hard in walking away those 7 mins? I had broken a girl’s heart, I have sinned against God and gone against my beliefs.
Now, what hurts the most was the idea that she was okay with it because she could not see anything in me that showed any semblance of fatherhood in me. I did not look like I was capable to take care of a newborn or a family. She looked at me a saw no direction in life. I know it sounds a bit harsh but that is how I felt. This put me in a state of depression and I wallowed so deep in guilt. I was not able to pray nor read the Bible. I was ashamed.
God, He is funny though. Why would He be gracious to me after? I pictured my life would be a slow fade, I mean, a sin as great as this would deserve a severe punishment as death. Whoever said that He is a good good father was right. He did not stop looking for me to bring me back to His fold. He brought around friends that helped me get through my journey of absolution. He has favored me even when I didn’t deserve it. I have felt so much love in my life since then and finally, the Holy Spirit over time has helped the scars fade away with time. I now have hope that I can forge on forward and look beyond mistakes and do things right. And finally if it’s His will I will have a lovely family of my own with kids I will treasure and appreciate every day.
This story was hard to read. It has grieved me, I’ll be honest, the first time that I got the email, I couldn’t finish reading. May God heal you and every man that has been this road . May God restore you. Most importantly forgive yourself.